Stupid things the bible wants us to believe/Creation part 2

In this post I would like to focus on the creation story as it is narrated in Genesis chapter 2  not just to point out its absurdities, but from time to time I will highlight the differences between this narrative and its counterpart in the first chapter. Contrary to popular belief most scholars agree that the Pentateuch was not written by Moses but possibly by up to four different authors or groups. This theory is best expounded by eminent biblical scholar Richard Elliot Friedman in 'Who Wrote the Bible? '

The first narrative of creation runs from Genesis chapter 1 verse 1 and concludes in chapter 2 verse 3. The second narrative about creation begins in Genesis chapter 2 verse 4 and ends at verse 25. The first difference you will notice about the two narratives is the order of creation, the presentation of how God set about creating, and the process differs from the first account.

4This is the account of the heavens and the earth when they were created, when the Lord God made the earth and the heavens. Genesis 2:4

The first difference between the two creation narratives starts in the very first verse of the second narrative. Unlike the first narrative this one does not get into the creation from scratch. It does not talk about the actual creation of the earth or the cosmos etc. Our story commences with an already created earth and takes us through creation of life on the planet and the process of how life as we know it came to be.

5Now no shrub had yet appeared on the earth and no plant had yet sprung up, for the Lord God had not sent rain on the earth and there was no one to work the ground, 6but streams came up from the earth and watered the whole surface of the ground. Genesis 2:5-6

As stated above our story starts with what appears to be a barren earth. No trees or shrubs or plant life whatsoever existed. Note that this story leads us to picture an earth where the land and sea already must exist because unlike chapter one it says nothing about separating the land from seas. So for simplicity's sake we'll just assume that that has already been done.

7Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being. Genesis 7:7

Unlike the first narrative where the man and the woman are created simultaneously in this account the first sign of life on earth is man himself! There is yet another interesting aspect in this narrative that is not present in the first. In the first God creates everything ex-nihili (out of nothing) by calling them into existence with his words alone. Here we see God putting in some physical labor in that he is said to "form" man out of the dust of the ground. After he makes his human mud pie he then breathes life into him.

Could this be the biblical Adam?

8Now the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed. 9The Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Genesis 2:8-9

Next God rolls up his sleeves, puts on his jeans, breaks out his gardening tools, and gets to work physically planting a garden!  We know that it takes years for trees to grow to full maturity and produce fruits etc. But since it was God doing the gardening maybe he had some way of accelerating the process to mere minutes! So far God created a man first then he created a garden then he put man in that garden for the purpose of working in it and caring for it. So according to this version the very first man on earth Adam, was a farmer and a gardener.

15The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. Genesis 2:15

The next part of this story gets a little bizarre for me in that it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will try to describe it without laughing or making any silly jokes and puns about the matter, but I wont make any guarantees. While Adam is in the garden working and tending to his assigned tasks most likely bored out of his wits and horny as hell since he is the only mammal in existence God makes a very keen observation, but his solution can only be called bone headed and stupid. 

18The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

19Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. Genesis 2:18-20

According to this narrative God once again rolls up his sleeves and commences to form out of the earth all the animals and birds. Then the good Lord brings them to Adam and assigns him the task of naming them all! Ummmm excuse me, but how the hell is creating a bunch of animals considered making a suitable helper for Adam and how does that help him with his sexual frustration? We are also supposed to believe that God individually created all animals species by hand from mud as he did when creating man. We must also believe that one man was responsible for naming all the animals that exist on this earth! That must've taken one hell of a long time for Adam to complete.

...But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. 22Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. Genesis 2:20-22

After finally realizing that Adam had yet to find a suitable helper in all of the animals God created he then puts Adam to sleep and finally out of Adams rib creates a woman. As I stated in my last post to the Hebrews names mean everything and this is made quite clear throughout the rest of the scriptures. 

Adam: The first human ever to walk the earth was named Adam. The Torah explains the name. The Hebrew word for earth is adama. God formed man from the dust of the earth, and on the simplest level, that connection with adama, earth, is the basis for man's name.

Eve: The wife of Adam. According to Gen. iii. 20, Eve was so called because she was "the mother of all living" 

So to sum this post up, God created life in the following order: First he created Adam, then all plant life, then all land and air animals, then finally he created Eve. Notice that in this narrative it says nothing about aquatic life. As anyone can tell these two tales are very distinct from one another and tell two very different accounts of creation. 

Note: All biblical citations are taken from the New International Version of the scriptures.