Upon reflecting on my past experience as a Pentecostal evangelist I realized something very important yet odd. I realized that during those four wasted years of my life I was literally in love with Jesus! Not in a gay way, but rather in the sense that I was fully psychologically and emotionally engaged/invested in my belief. My theology was simple: God was the father, Jesus was the son and only way to gain access to the father, and the Holy Spirit was my attachment to them both; my spiritual teacher and guide.
During those days such terms as being "filled with the Holy Spirit" or seeking the "anointing of the Spirit" were very real to me. I fully believed back then that I was called to serve not just God but his creation as well. My goal was to replicate or even exceed some of the apostolic miracles that I had read about in the scriptures! I wanted to be a spiritual giant and I wanted to do everything in my power with the help of the Lord to be in right standing with him and to fulfill my calling to the fullest.
I can honestly say that God was the center of my universe! I ate and slept the Word, I dreamed about spiritual things and had visions and spoke in tongues while I felt the accompanying sensations that were common with those experiences. I remember the sense of joy I felt when someone came up to me after a service and claimed that they were healed of some malady or when some came up in response to my alter call after a moving sermon. I was overjoyed with the thought of angels rejoicing every time someone gave their lives to Jesus and I imagined that they were having one hell of a celebration in heaven.
7 In the same way, I tell you, there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner repenting than over ninety-nine upright people who have no need of repentance. 10 In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing among the angels of God over one repentant sinner.' Luke 15:7,10 (New Jerusalem Bible).
It was verses like the one above that in my mind reaffirmed God's love for me and my love for him. I thought of God as the father I never had and he also made up for a mother who was also absent during most of my childhood. I found in God a protector, guide, comforter in times of grief, and in my mission a purpose: to save as many souls for Jesus before I left this Earth. I was a fundamentalist in the worst way and I took the bible quite literally.
I am convinced based on my experience that there is a correlation between falling in love with a person and being in love with God. When someone falls in love with another person to the extreme they exhibit the same characteristics as I did for Jesus. They only see the good in that person and for the most part are completely blinded to that persons faults or choose to ignore them. Their love for that person takes precedence over everything. They want to be in contact with that person as much as possible; in the case with God, at all times. They think of the person always and wonder what he/she may be doing at this moment. Sometimes they talk to the person aloud even though they know the person is far away and can't hear them.They are fully emotionally and psychologically invested in their relationship.
I was in love with Jesus, but like anything else taken to the extreme, this relationship did more harm than good. In the real world some people even go as far as taking their lives when the one they love has left them. I committed suicide the day I "gave my life" to Jesus: I stopped being me and began living his life and trying in all things to fulfill what I believed to be his will.
In conclusion: It is for this reason that I believe that many Christians; particularly fundamentalist believers, have such a hard time weaning themselves away from their former beliefs. It took me six years to fully overcome my former beliefs and the accompanying fears that came as a result of my actions. Pascal's wager at one time made a lot of sense to me! What if I was wrong! But from a logical standpoint and with my wits about me, I can see it for what it really is: a waste of time thinking about, and nothing more than an extension of the delusion that is belief.
It sounds more like infatuation. Blind adoration without truly knowing someone. But I don't think your four years was a waste as you can really see how Christians think, where someone like me gets completely boggled by biblical quotes and all that stuff. Sometimes I wish I could send the missionaries at the door Saturday into big waves of self and religious doubt. ;)
ReplyDeleteYou're right about that Jamie my four years weren't a waste. My experience give me a unique insider perspective as to why fundies are so hard headed.
DeleteI am with you. It took me over a decade to lose the delusion. It is powerful stuff, which is where it does harm. My mind didn't belong to me but to jesus.
ReplyDeleteI read this post with great interest due to my background within a cultish church. I was going down the line of becoming one crazy nut until I cut ties with the enemy. Not God (as I am not against Christianity) but rather the cultish church.
ReplyDeleteIt seems many people follow Christ for all the wrong reasons and love the church in an unhealthy and ungodly way. Once people are aware of the truth, they seem to reluctantly try to wean themselves off, only to fall back in line for more misery and doom. Just reading your post made me remember how it was back in the old days, and reminded me how not to be again. Very interesting post, I will be back to read my of your posts.
Thanks for stopping by I hope to be hearing from you again on other future posts. I personally think that anything taken to the extreme is in the long run detrimental. Religious beliefs and practices are definitely not exempt from this conclusion either.
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DeleteGod Bless You!
ReplyDeleteI believe in Jesus Christ, but i'm not believe in religions...
I got Faith in Christ as a gift from Jesus Christ to save my life. But what gave the religions to anyone? Religions gave you only HUMAN-RULES. And if you do not want gradient your life with their rules, then they starting to cursing you right away. Jesus DID NOT CAME FOR CURSING those who want to following HIM:-) Jesus "cursed" those who creating idiot human-rules against the freedom of real FAITH:-)
http://smallestwork.blogspot.com (this is my blog about real faith)
I spent almost twenty years of my life immersed in the cult that is christianity. Your post was very pertinent. I dont think I was ever truly lost to it. I had doubts from the start, but being from the bible belt it's hard to break free. It's brainwashing and fear that holds us captive. I will never go back to that insanity. I see it for what it is now.
ReplyDeleteAs I state on my blog many times I was a full on fundamentalist nut job. I believed that all of Christianity as I understood it was absolutely true. The bible was the inerrant word of God and Jesus was the son of God and the Lord and savior of my soul. I spoke tongues, prophesied, cast out demons etc. I was fully committed and completely immersed in my delusion. It took me six years to completely break free from the effects of religious beliefs on my life and psyche. Today there is no way I would ever return to that insanity. That goes for all forms of religion for me.
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