Friday, March 18, 2016

On losing my faith

For those of you that are not familiar with myself and my blog I invite you to read my deconversion story to better familiarize yourself with my journey from faith to atheism. I for one am content to let theists live and believe as they please for the most part. The only time I have a problem with them is when they try to literally shove their beliefs down my throat through political manipulation and trying to seek legislation on things that affect my life on a personal level. Some examples are the banning of stem cell research, abortion, euthanasia, trying to get creationism taught in our public schools and many other similar issues. For the most part they are not motivated by so called morals but rather by divine commandment. The bible says its wrong for them so then it should be wrong for everyone else.

That being said let's move on to the subject of this post. I often find that talking to theists in general is like talking to a wall. No amount of evidence will suffice, no reason or logic will ever penetrate faith on its own. I remember when I was a believer that there was no way any man would have convinced me of the falsity of my beliefs or even worse that I was deluded in believing the things I did. My faith preceded everything including logic and reason.

When I was a believer I thought that faith was greater than "evidence" in fact, I thought that the fact that I felt the presence of God in the form of his Holy Spirit trumped anything any man could ever show or tell me. I viewed attacks on my faith and beliefs as either directed or inspired by Satan and his cohorts. I thought that the more people attacked my faith the closer I was to my God and the truth and that all of those attacks were nothing more than the Devil trying to derail my spiritual growth

It took a personal experience that got me to begin doubting my faith. I had been invited to a local hospital to pray for a young man who was enduring the final stages of the aids virus and its effects. He was literally knocking on deaths door. My ministry partner had him read Isaiah 53: 5 aloud from the King James bible and after praying for him declared him healed in the name of Jesus! He promised the mans mom that her son was going to undergo a miraculous recovery if she believed it and claimed the miracle in faith. I heard my own voice in my head say "he is not healed." I felt fear at that moment and asked God in my mind if it was him or the enemy telling me this. To make a long story short that young man died a few days later.

At the time I went to visit that young man his mother was not present. I had never met her before but my partner had and he was the one who had the invite to go pray for him. A day or two after that I was invited to a woman's home with a church elder to pray for her since she was elderly and ill. In the middle of the prayer I stopped and told her that her son was going to die and gave her the reason. I believed this was a word from the Lord coming through my mind to her so I was not aware of who her son was. I just felt the need to say what I did. I told her not to blame God but that it was part of his plan to save his soul. After the young man died the church elder ran into me at another church event and ran up to me and said that I was a true prophet of the Lord because exactly what I told that person would happen happened.

Despite all the events that followed that day when we prayed for that young man. I had the first seed of doubt planted in my mind. I began to analyze my faith and beliefs more closely. I read the Bible four times and each time I read it I doubted it more. It took a very long and personal journey and the willingness on my part to embark on that journey no matter where it led for me to abandon my faith. I had to analyze my personal spiritual experience with a critical eye as well. In the end all of my studying and honest reflection led me ultimately to atheism. I did not come to that decision easily. It took me about 6 years to get over all of the effects of my religious beliefs and it was a long and emotionally, mental, and physically draining process.

1 comment: